Crap Cardboard Pet

by The Cool Greenhouse

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  • Streaming + Download

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
    Purchasable with gift card

      £3 GBP  or more

     

  • Limited Edition Cassette
    Cassette + Digital Album

    Run of 70 green tapes released via Hidden Bay records.

    Comes with a hand-made artisanal crap cardboard pet!

    Includes unlimited streaming of Crap Cardboard Pet via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

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  • Limited Edition 10'' Vinyl
    Record/Vinyl + Digital Album

    Edition of 200 copies courtesy of Lumpy Records (USA). Includes:

    1 x 10'' vinyl record with hand-stamped red ink labels
    1 x mint green card wrap-around card sleeve
    1 x paper poster insert by Russell Taysom (black)
    1 x unique 'crap cardboard pet' (small)

    All proceeds will go towards the mixing and mastering costs of the Cool Greenhouse's forthcoming debut album

    Includes unlimited streaming of Crap Cardboard Pet via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

    Sold Out

  • SUPER DELUXE HYPER LIMITED 10" VINYL
    Record/Vinyl + Digital Album

    Limited to 25 copies worldwide only.

    Each Super Deluxe Hyper Limited Version Includes:

    1 x 10'' vinyl record with hand-stamped red ink labels
    1 x mint green card wrap-around card sleeve, (signed and numbered for this edition only)
    1 x paper poster insert by Russell Taysom (black)
    1 x unique 'crap cardboard pet' (small)

    PLUS

    1 x hyper limited red risographed art print on high-quality card (Munken Pure, 240gsm) by Russell Taysom (limited to 25 copies only, signed and numbered verso)
    1 x unique 'good cardboard pet' (colourful acrylic on cardboard, signed verso, large)

    All proceeds will go towards the mixing and mastering costs of the Cool Greenhouse's forthcoming debut album.

    Includes unlimited streaming of Crap Cardboard Pet via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
    ... more

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about

"How much irony and repetition can we take? Really quite a lot, when it’s as good as this...operating very much on the principles of repetition, irony and repetition, enigmatic bedroom project The Cool Greenhouse exist in diametric opposition to me and you and our stupid short attention spans."
~ The Quietus

credits

released June 28, 2019

Music and Lyrics by the Cool Greenhouse

Recorded at home in Woodbridge, London and Manchester.

Mastered by Joe Caithness Mastering.

Background photocopy image by Robert Ridley-Shackleton.

Additional pet doodles by participants of the Pyramid Scheme EP project.

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Track Name: Cardboard Man
Well I love the women
Y'know they're so good at cooking
And I love the coloureds
They're just so damn good-looking
I even love the gays,
Y'know one does my haircutting
And when I see a pig's head
Y'know I think of...nothing

Cause I'm a cardboard man
Yes I'm a cardboard man
Well my thoughts are all cardboard
I'm just like my old man

And I'm down with the kids
Cause my facts are alternative
And I won strictly come dancing
Oh without even trying
And I've got a nasty coke habit
Good thing you know nothing about it
I've got medium-sized hands
There's no two ways about it

I'm a cardboard man
I'm a cardboard cut-out
Yes I'm a cardboard man
Oh I'm made of wet cardboard (white cardboard)

My favourite metal is gold
My favourite liquid is water
My favourite gas is hot air
And I love Harry Potter
Y'know I'm a West Ham supporter
Or was it Aston Villa?
Well you can see right through me
I'm like a glass of water

Cause I'm a cardboard man
Yes I'm a cardboard man
And I'm a cardboard cut-out
Oh of a cardboard cut-out
Of a cardboard man

Take a photo of me
Down your local boozer
I'm just an ordinary geezer
But with a Smeg fridge-freezer
And I care about everyone
As much as cardboard can
I didn't ask to be comfortable
Well pity the white man
Y'know I'm a laid back guy
I never ask for trouble
but if you look at me funny
I'm gonna drop a bomb on your hospital

And I did not have sexual relations with that woman
Or with that pig

Now throw tomatoes
At the cardboard man
Throw all your tomatoes
As hard as you can
And if you've got a lettice
Well you can throw that too
Oh throw all your vegetables
At this cardboard fool
Track Name: Pets
Well pets don't care about your new haircut
And a pet doesn't give a crap about your recent hernia operation
But I think it might be important to have a pet
But then again y'know it's hard to move around with a pet
And pets don't know about the geo-political situation
Well this can be comforting, but it can also be distracting
And pets require care and cost money
But you can probably afford one
Especially if you give up smoking

Oh, pets
I'm thinking all about pets
I think it'd improve my life if I got a pet
Yeah pets

And pets ensure that you leave the house
'Cause they need walking
But this can also get annoying
And what if you buy your pet when it's very small
And then it grows up not to like you as a person
Well pets can get you rather obsessed
Sometimes you can't see when your pet is doing wrong
Because you love your pet so much
Well pets are a kind of animal
And can a plant be a pet? No

Pets
I'm thinking all about pets
I think it might improve my life if I got a pet
And what's better, to have a partner or to have a pet?
I dunno...

Well try not to run over your pet
And don't keep your pet in a plastic bag
Unless your pet is a carton of milk
An ant and a twig don't make a very good pets
Because they're easy to lose
And watch out for hippies
Y'know they keep rocks as pets
And one good thing about a pet is that you can teach it tricks
Well even when it's old
Y'know that's a common misconception
But pets can't play the guitar and aren't very useful
But apparently Phil Collins keeps a worm that knows how to drum
And I hear that Patti Smith's favourite pet is an earring
And unfortunately a pet can't sit next to you on a plane
But someone should really set up an airline in which they can
Don't you think?

And if you need to take your pet on a plane
Well if it's a pigeon you can keep it down your trousers
Or if it's a tortoise you can disguise it as a hamburger
Or disguise it as a codpiece

Oh, pets
I'm thinking all about pets
I think it'd improve my life if I got a pet
Yeah pets

And this bit's for the kids
You know a cat goes woof
And a dog goes meow
And a little mouse goes Cocka-doodle-doo
And a pokemon card goes nothing
And an oyster goes click
And a little rabbit goes sniff sniff sniff
And a carton of milk goes nothing again
And something goes something
And nothing goes

And a periodontal scalpel goes sllurrp
And your mother goes stop
And your dad goes carry on

2,3,4 Pets
Yes I'm thinking all about pets
I think it's improve my life if I got a pet
Well what's better, to have a partner or to have a pet?
I dunno...
Track Name: Crap Art
Well I like my sums to be hard
And I like my sculptures to be made of lard
And I like my crosswords to be done in advance
And I like my rhymes to be crap
And I like my paintings to be quarter-arsed
And I like my music to be falling apart
And I like my newspapers to be turned into masks
And I like my rhymes to be crap...and repetitive

Well thank God for crap art
Yes thank your God for crap art
Well at least its a start
Yes thank your God for crap art

And I like my liquids to be fluid
And I like my singles to be long
Well that's good value for money
And I like my bands to be one
And I like my angles to be obtuse
Or acute, I don't mind
And I like my sevens to be sevens
One after six
And I like my pavements to be strewn with broken bricks

Well thank God for crap art
Yes thank your God for crap art
Well at least its a start
Yes thank your God for crap art

And I'm not talking about David Shrigley here
Y'know he's really good...good for coffee shops
I'm more talking about a pigeon that gets trapped in a conservatory
With a load of house paints
And then it can't escape

So go to your crap church
And pray to your crap God
And thank your God for crap art
Well at least it's a start

And I said to God I said "Hey God!"
He said "Yes, Tom?"
I said "Well what do you think about my position here?"
He said "Well I like my art to be good. I like the Sistine chapel. But I can see your angle."
I said "Thanks God. Y'know you always were so understanding."

And remember making art is really hard
Don't do yourself down
It's OK to make crap
In fact it's refreshing
'Cause a monkey can use photoshop
And a child can use Final Cut Pro X
to make everything feel the same

And the other day a big corporation approached me
And they asked if they could co-opt my crap art
Because they mistakenly thought they saw a kind of misguided authenticity in it
That they would want to co-opt
This was 3.4 seconds after I posted it on the internet
I thought they had the wrong idea
But I said yes
And now I live in a mansion
It costs too much to keep warm
And I'm still paying off my advance
Behold my cold mansion!
Behold my crap mansion!

Well thank God for crap art
Yes thank your God for crap art
Well at least its a start
Yes thank your God for crap art
The crapper the better

And you better thank your God
For crap art
Y'know it's the best start
And you better thank your God

Amen.

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