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Landlords

by The Cool Greenhouse

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    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
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  • Limited Edition 7'' Vinyl
    Record/Vinyl + Digital Album

    Black vinyl with foldover colour sleeve, double-sided colour insert and Pepe the frog sticker, courtesy of Drunken Sailor Records. Limited to 500 copies.

    All profits to the LONDON RENTERS UNION, a member-led, campaigning union standing up to landlords, standing up for tenant rights and transforming the housing system through collective action.

    Includes unlimited streaming of Landlords via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

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1.
Landlords 02:58
There goes your new Landlord His dog is bull his car is sports And don't you know that your labour paid For his new personalised number plates? They read "kill all scroungers" if you squint your eyes The 's' is a '5', the 'g' is a '9', He says "Don't you know you should feel lucky to be alive?" Don't you know you should be lucky to be alive... Just look outside, you know the streets are even more deprived So be thankful for your hard-earned bed It's no matter that I've got ten (and they're four-poster) It costs 200 quid to get on the contract Well imagine that, oh you couldn't make this stuff up And then a few months later when you discover some dry rot He says "refer it to the council" He says "I'm sorry but my hands are completely tied" "you've got to refer it to the council" Welcome to generation rent And here's to the gradual erosion Of our collective expectations at the hands of crooked landlords Who are complete morons Oh the walls are cracked, the room is small There's a strange smell of fish in the corridor And when you decide that it's time for bed The trains still rattle past your head And when the room fills up with mice You'd think that he could at least be nice But instead he calls you a filthy swine And after avoiding your call for the fiftieth time He says "I'm sorry but my hands are completely tied" "you've got to refer it to the council" So you refer it to the council... And they keep you on hold, for three days The hold music is Erik Satie's gymnopedies It almost drives you completely insane But eventually a chimpanzee picks up the phone I mean a real chimpanzee You know I'm no snob He says "Why don't you get a real bloody job huh? Well just take a look at me, Y'know I used to sit around at London Zoo Now I've got a pretty good job answering phones for the council And I'm saving up for a nice semi-detached in Hounslow" He says "I'm sorry but my hands are completely tied" "you've got to refer it to your landlord"
2.
4chan 04:06
Well I ate my Christmas dinner from a can, Y’know I didn’t want to interrupt my festive COD marathon, Started up, completely unclothed Well there’s no point in dressing, for these times Harrassed some snowflakes, for the lulz Well they’ve got to learn that offence is a part of life And dicks out for old Harambe I’m not alone, I’m online And I’m on 4Chan I’m into /pol/ and /b/ And it feels…“feels good man” To be making history And today I’ve photoshopped fourteen photographs Of Tyler Durden, and good old Patrick Bateman And now my Steam account has two new followers And I’ve spammed some feminists with troll faces I’m cooling on pig’s blood, and I’m GeekBenching over seven thousand Why I’m incel, I’ll never comprehend And they say the kids can’t accomplish anything these days But then again, they’re way behind And I’m on 4Chan I’m into /mu/ and /v/ And it feels…“feels good man” And I’m gonna kill normies But who you gonna call? Oh when the boards are slow, or the server’s down Well not Kristen Wiig, that’s for sure Have another crank, by the window I said, who you gonna call? Oh when you can’t bear the noise of it and you finally see through it all And then you decide sell all your cryptos Well you’re just some just some dude who decided to stay at home On 4Chan Drawing pictures of cartoon frogs And pissing all over everyone For no reason And they think it’s Russia But there’s no rest for the wicked Well someone’s gotta keep an eye on all these beta cucks I’m forever alone forever alone forever alone And I’m bound.

about

50p from digital purchases to the London Renters Union.

Video: www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybtL3VCrnXs

"What if The Fall, Pere Ubu and the Swell Maps got fed up with all that searing rock’n’roll business and decided to strip things back to the simple electronic beat of a knackered old Casio keyboard? What if they figured they may as well mumble some bon mots over the top, and smother it in nagging, lo-fi repetition, whether composed of discordant keyboard stabs or undulating guitar chords?

That’s right, you’d probably end up somewhere in the vicinity of The Cool Greenhouse's batshit take on pop-mangling nonsense. If the above doesn’t sound worlds away from all your weirdo post-punk favourites, served up the likes of Rough Trade, Ron Johnson et al, you’re right – it’s all in the same wheelhouse. OK, here the rage and the noise seem more subtle but, but none of it is any less caustic or pointed than the sounds you already know and love to be baffled by.

What’s more, The Cool Greenhouse is piss-funny. On this two-track window into the skewed mindset behind the project, we open with Landlords – a searing take on the perils of renting that devolves into Kafka-esque levels of preposterousness while also remaining frighteningly recognisable. It goes from personalised number plates to chimpanzee-staffed call centres in just under three minutes, all to the strains of what The Desperate Bicycles might have sounded like while trying to rip off Hex Enduction Hour – in summary, fucking brilliant.

On the flip is 4Chan, a diary entry of sorts for a regular poster on the Internet’s most infamous troll caves. “Today I photoshopped 14 photographs of Tyler Durden and good old Patrick Bateman / And now my Steam account has two new followers and I’ve spammed some feminists with troll faces,” it goes, while two unsympathetic guitar chords crash rudely into each other ad infinitum. A hilariously bleak summary of life in certain quarters of the Internet, and an addictively excellent slice of horribly nervy pop music.

It might not sound like rock music as you know and love it, but it’s way punker than you. Stick it on – play once, twice, a thousand times. The Cool Greenhouse is your new 80s awkward hero, right here in 2019."
-Will Fitzpatrick.

credits

released March 1, 2019

Music and Lyrics by The Cool Greenhouse.

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all rights reserved

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about

The Cool Greenhouse UK

music to lose scratch-cards to.

compliments: thecoolgreenhouse@gmail.com

label: andy@melodic.co.uk

bookings: thecoolgreenhouse@gmail.com

give us money: patreon.com/tgreenhouse
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