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The Cool Greenhouse (album)

by The Cool Greenhouse

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  • Compact Disc (CD) + Digital Album

    'The Cool Greenhouse' on CD in card digi-sleeve.

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  • Record/Vinyl + Digital Album

    - Black Vinyl
    - Red OBI Strip
    - Matt Black Inner Sleeve
    - Reverse board outer sleeve
    - Double-sided 12" insert on matte art paper
    - Download code included

    Includes unlimited streaming of The Cool Greenhouse (album) via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
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  • Limited Transparent Green Vinyl + Mystery Seeds
    Record/Vinyl + Digital Album

    Available on CD & special Melodic Records edition (limited to 300 copies) on transparent green vinyl, exclusively available through The Cool Greenhouse Bandcamp & Melodic shop.

    Melodic limited copies come with an envelope containing mystery seeds. The first person to germinate their seeds and send the label a picture of their plant will receive the original album cover painting by frontman Tom Greenhouse! The person to grow the tallest plant by the end of the year will receive an exclusive mystery prize.

    - Limited to 300 Copies on transparent green vinyl
    - Red OBI Strip
    - Packet of Cool Greenhouse Mystery Seeds
    - Matt Black Inner Sleeve
    - Reverse board outer sleeve
    - Double-sided 12" insert on matte art paper
    - Download code included

    Includes unlimited streaming of The Cool Greenhouse (album) via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
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1.
The Sticks 05:44
Well you can go a bit nuts out here Spending all day looking for your cigarettes or your glasses Or plugged into high-minded conspiracy theories About all the piano-playing cats, Trained by the government and uploaded by devious civil servants  to subdue your mind And I guess that’s why they say that musical pets  are the new opiates of the masses But just don’t forget  That nobody actually says that  And It’s true The true oddballs are stationed in the market towns And all you meet  are ex-military personnel  with dark browsing histories  Or children’s entertainers  with questionable intentions And all the village shops And all the village shops are definitely manned by robots So is this the kind of catharsis you were  after? Strange shapes appear in the mirror when you’re not there And you can hear people’s skin crack at regular intervals When the sun comes out They’re all engaged in projects of a strange nature: Fixing watches at the weekends Or handing out unintelligible leaflets   for no reason They’ve got your number They’ll be seeing you Better stay in from here on in… And sometimes when you close your eyes There’s grinning Jimmy Saville’s painted on your inner eyelids Other times it’s Yoko Ono’s on treadmills  stretching out into infinity Or there’s Kermit the frog doing up his flies  On the beach on repeat These things all reinforce the need  for a proper occupation Find clipped toenails still growing near the basin A little camera in the shape of a bit of eggshell in the bread bin  Surveillance wires disguised as bits of spaghetti  down the side of the oven Today the birds are flying unusually low to the ground And the insects are flying unusually close to the clouds There’s all sorts of inversions that you need to get your head around Clerical workers are lurking in the long grass With remote controls, dog shit bags and their sons And God only knows, what they’ve been feeding the ducks And God only knows, what they’ve been feeding the ducks And God only knows, what they’ve been feeding the ducks Make some elderflower wine, or some sourdough Well that’s the kind of thing you’re meant to do around here Wrap it up in old brown paper and you can sell it for a fortune To all the city weekenders  If only you didn’t have the weird feeling  that your arm is not your arm. And the strange plants growing in the outcrop near the village Have been plagiarising your dreams.  And everything’s conducted in hushed tones In the market towns 
2.
Well I love the women Y'know they're so good at cooking And I love the coloureds They're just so damn good-looking I even love the gays, Y'know one does my haircutting And when I see a pig's head Y'know I think of...nothing Cause I'm a cardboard man Yes I'm a cardboard man Well my thoughts are all cardboard I'm just like my old man And I'm down with the kids Cause my facts are alternative And I won strictly come dancing Oh without even trying And I've got a nasty coke habit Good thing you know nothing about it I've got medium-sized hands There's no two ways about it I'm a cardboard man I'm a cardboard cut-out Yes I'm a cardboard man Oh I'm made of wet cardboard (white cardboard) My favourite metal is gold My favourite liquid is water My favourite gas is hot air And I love Harry Potter Y'know I'm a West Ham supporter Or was it Aston Villa? Well you can see right through me I'm like a glass of water Cause I'm a cardboard man Yes I'm a cardboard man And I'm a cardboard cut-out Oh of a cardboard cut-out Of a cardboard man Take a photo of me Down your local boozer I'm just an ordinary geezer But with a Smeg fridge-freezer And I care about everyone As much as cardboard can I didn't ask to be comfortable Well pity the white man Y'know I'm a laid back guy I never ask for trouble but if you look at me funny I'm gonna drop a bomb on your hospital And I did not have sexual relations with that woman Or with that pig Now throw tomatoes At the cardboard man Throw all your tomatoes As hard as you can And if you've got a lettice Well you can throw that too Oh throw all your vegetables At this cardboard fool
3.
Gum 03:43
I found myself in a massive disco Reading books about Autumn perennials And when I turned my head I saw that she had gone To take a dip in a nearby fishpond I lived a life full of plenty and sin Making money, with my dog Singing for the anti-altruists Making things turn heavy and more heavy And when they caught me I lay down in a bed For twenty days straight I did not move one bit My head held me, my head held me down Cars passed the window, light flew around Next seven drinkers threw me in the water The riot started over some man’s wallet And when I fell, I fell from a great height Then there was nothing, nothing but water John? John? Hey John? John? Now I spend my days sharpening pencils Those days of plenty and sin are well gone Live in a flat made of old science periodicals Sometimes I even take the dog for a run Water the plants every so often Buy tables to remove the gum Attach the gum to the ball in the living room I find this to be the best way to have fun
4.
Life Advice 04:00
Well a shameful, lop-sided amateurish woollen bat, looked at me sideways, It was the kind you get in a rotary club jumble sale,  Which is what I was in f  act at Between jars of horrible antique jam And the kind of vase that it’s impossible to imagine Who designed them And who made them And who bought them And why they’re not already broken And floral throws real flowers wouldn’t be seen dead in home-made pots with plastic ones looking depressed in Well this bat, he was twirling on a woollen string And he looked at me And he said:  “Never look back” I thought: “That’s good advice” Advice for life That’s good advice Advice for life But then someone tapped me on the shoulder And now imagine you’re writing in a snow storm Correcting addresses with a broken biro before you post them Your glasses are clouded with understandable frustration Teeth chattering like peanuts on a slalom And some guy you don’t recognise comes along and butts in His hair’s all knotted from being out so long in the wind He’s in a poncho, sunglasses, a saucy grin, Stares you in the face and says, with no small measure of pride: “Take it all in your stride” But then he got on his bike Finally she’s walking along the side of a mausoleum Gets her foot trapped in one of those grates with the big gaps in Droves of tourists in flip flops just walk straight by And the community service officer just stares her right in the eyes A feral dog sprays all over her new handbag The sun goes down, she misses her school run, And then some old lady comes along, (and pointing her fag), And almost in song, she says: “Don’t look down on anyone” Take it all in your stride But then she walked into a graveyard Well that’s good advice Advice for life Yeah good advice Advice for life (etc.)
5.
Well Margaret Thatcher Had very dirty glasses You should have seen how Dirty her glasses were She couldn’t even see the world And little Freddie Hayek He had very dirty glasses Unbelievably dirty glasses And when I went to dinner with Margaret Thatcher and Freddie Hayek  at their house, the other week Well I went into the kitchen and I opened up one of the cabinets And I could not believe how dirty her glasses were It was disgusting Well they say that we might all have dirty glasses Like they said Trojan horse would be forgotten But we represent a different platform Dispossessed pinko middle classes Who have very dirty glasses And anyone else who has very dirty glasses Y’see the purpose of this band Is to offer a glasses cleaning service At a very reasonable price So if you have dirty glasses You can bring them to the front  And we’ll clean them for you And we’ll do the very best job That we can At this point the audience In this fictional performance Goes home and fetches their glassware And brings it back to the pub And hands their dirty glasses to the band And then there’s a standing ovation Wahey! Now finally you can relax in your clean greenhouse Your cool green greenhouse As you enjoy your new favourite least favourite band The cool greenhouse And you know these days there’s an authentic need For an authentic counterculture But unfortunately there’s just the cool greenhouse With their cool glasses Well poor old dead Fidel Y’know he had pretty clean glasses at the beginning But even he had Pretty dirty glasses Towards the end Which is where we’re at The end
6.
Smile, Love! 03:32
You met your old history teacher While you were sucking on a lemon Oh you’d just eaten a ham sandwich And you were sitting on a park bench And your mouth was a straight line Oh a perfect horizon ‘Cause the sandwich had been a bit off It was a total rip off And he said Smile, love Well bloody smile, Y’know I pay all my taxes Think I still live in the 50s So I expect the girls that I meet Oh on the bloody street Well to bloody Smile So you’d better Smile He said Smile, Love! He said Smile, Love! He said Smile, Love! Well, bloody smile And then later that week Well you ran into a barrister He said why the long face? He said you look like a horse At least give us a wink Oh the barrister said He had an egg-shaped head And he clearly shopped at M&S And then later that day Oh you met a real horse And the horse said Well you look like a man And I’m awfully sorry love I like a girly girl Oh I don’t mind what you dress like But you could at least give us A bloody smile He said Smile, Love! He said Smile, Love! He said Smile, Love! Well, bloody smile Cause y’know it might never happen They say it might never happen That’s what they say They say it might never happen Oh it might never happen Well what if it already has happened, you stupid prick? And don’t you know you’re never gonna get anywhere Oh with a face like that? But me, well I can be as moody as I like And they’ll put it down to a kind of  Oh a brooding genius But to you they say smile love Yeah to you they say smile love Oh to you they say smile love They say smile love
7.
Trojan Horse 05:24
Well I went down To the newsagents And I found a load of materials At the newsagents And I tried to by some cigarettes And the lady she looked at me But all she said was… Well Trojan horse, Trojan horse, Trojan horse, Trojan horse (x4) And I went down (down down) To the lumberyard ‘cause I needed some twigs Yes I needed some twigs To build a house with And I said to the man I said “how much for these twigs” But all he said was Well Trojan horse, Trojan horse, Trojan horse, Trojan horse (x4) And I got on the train But I didn’t have a ticket And the man came up to me The ticket man And I thought that he must be About to tell me off But he just stared For twenty minutes And then all he said Was… Well Trojan horse, Trojan horse, Trojan horse, Trojan horse (etc.)
8.
4Chan 03:53
Well I ate my Christmas dinner from a can, Y’know I didn’t want to interrupt my festive COD marathon, Started up, completely unclothed Well there’s no point in dressing, for these times Harrassed some snowflakes, for the lulz Well they’ve got to learn that offence is a part of life And dicks out for old Harambe I’m not alone, I’m online And I’m on 4Chan I’m into /pol/ and /b/ And it feels…“feels good man” To be making history And today I’ve photoshopped fourteen photographs Of Tyler Durden, and good old Patrick Bateman And now my Steam account has two new followers And I’ve spammed some feminists with troll faces I’m cooling on pig’s blood, and I’m GeekBenching over seven thousand Why I’m incel, I’ll never comprehend And they say the kids can’t accomplish anything these days But then again, they’re way behind And I’m on 4Chan I’m into /mu/ and /v/ And it feels…“feels good man” And I’m gonna kill normies But who you gonna call? Oh when the boards are slow, or the server’s down Well not Kristen Wiig, that’s for sure Have another crank, by the window I said, who you gonna call? Oh when you can’t bear the noise of it and you finally see through it all And then you decide sell all your cryptos Well you’re just some just some dude who decided to stay at home On 4Chan Drawing pictures of cartoon frogs And pissing all over everyone For no reason I’m on 4chan I’m on 4chan I’m on 4chan
9.
Prospects 02:35
How many prospects Do you have? How many prospects do you have? Have you got 18 prospects? Or just Two prospects? Job prospects Junk prospects House prospects TV prospects And she said anyone caught taking the bus Past the age of 25 Well they can count themselves Oh a failure in life But you’ve got your fingers In so many pies You can’t even p-p-p-p-p-pick up your pencil Life prospects Dumb prospects Big prospects One prospect And sometimes it feels like You’ve got no prospects And it’s just 8 pounds and 21 pence For an hour of your time No Prospects No Prospects No Prospects No Prospects Nu-uh
10.
Outlines 04:28
Well you came in from the rain Oh I’d been thinking about nothing again Can’t sleep that much these days Oh I’ve been lying awake And I know there’s no real answer To the questions in my head And the light sits nicely on your face As you attempt the crossword Well I’ve been making outlines On the bathroom wall Discovering faces Then trying to name them all Yes I’ve been making outlines Oh in the middle of the night And also sometimes in the day Oh whenever it feels right And when you next came home I’d almost forgotten how to speak I’d lost all my thoughts It’d been a difficult week You said “let’s go on holiday” I said “Well we don’t have the money” You said “Well let’s do it anyway” And you were looking at me funny Oh I’ve been making outlines Feeling like a real outlier I’ve been making outlines Oh on the soap suds that lie on your tumble drier Making outlines In the middle of the night And also sometimes in the day Oh whenever it feels right And I worry that I’ve got no brains Almost forget that I’m an animal I’ve been making outlines far too long I’m a sorry excuse for a mammal Y’know I’ve been Making outlines In the roots of your hair Y’know I’m really getting pretty good at it Even though I know that it’s not going to get me anywhere But y’know it staves off The mediocrity And it staves off The possibility of calamity And it staves off Oh the terrible drudgery And it staves off It staves off, it staves off…
11.
So the Subletters decided to go out to the fairground that was just down the road  They wanted to complain about the goldfish...even though there weren’t any But me I decided to stay at home I did some laundry  Then I tried to work out how to avoid repaying my student loan  But unfortunately they clocked that line And they said “you’re booked mate” I said “That’s a fair cop”  But luckily they had all my details wrong They thought I was an orthodontist from London When actually I’m an accordionist from Melbourne And they thought my National Insurance number was AB34217 Which it isn’t God save the delicious hell of post-fordist bureaucracy Anyway, the neighbour who wears his christmas jumper all year round was visible through the window Apart from this I could see a tree, a discarded chopstick and a wonky Crow And I could hear someone playing “Like a Virgin” very quietly through their stereo It was a hot Sunday afternoon And the neighbour was trying to explain to the crow why Jeff Bezsos should pay more tax But the crow didn’t understand Because the crow was just a crow And after this I just sat in my chair and spaced out for about three hours Until the subletters came home with their placards Disheartened that they couldn’t save any non-existent goldfish And then I phone home, my parents’ home, but no one was home And this is a pretty accurate fictional account Of this week’s Sunday afternoon 

about

“The Cool Greenhouse, my new favourite post-everything existential music happening. Hooray!” - Henry Rollins

“The Cool Greenhouse exist in diametric opposition to me and you and our stupid short attention spans.” - The Quietus

Those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, but The Cool Greenhouse are about to shatter glass ceilings with their self-titled debut LP.

Having caused a stir on the underground DIY label circuit with their inimitable, infectious brand of lo-fi post-punk in 2019, The Cool Greenhouse’s debut album shows off a newly developed, fuller sound, taking their signature style to previously unexplored heights while doubling down on their tried and tested formula of angular motoric riffs and no holds barred biting social commentary. The muffled 16-bit drum loops have been replaced with a full kit, the nonchalant vocal delivery has found a new edge and the sparse instrumentation has been augmented by the band’s finally agreeing to leave their bedrooms and enter the studio, yielding a fully-realised vision with fresh clarity and depth that makes their earlier recordings seem like mere blueprints.

Stubbornly refusing to engage with almost every fundamental musical tool available (the chord, melody, choruses, even the musical change), The Cool Greenhouse have somehow managed to compile an album of eleven songs that often comes astonishingly close to pop. Their attachment to long songs with single hooks that steamroll through their entireties has not abated, but neither has their inexplicable knack for keeping these strange creatures alarmingly engaging and accessible when by all logic they should be irritatingly avant-garde. It shouldn’t work on so many levels, but it absolutely does.

A large part of what makes this a winning formula is frontman Tom Greenhouse’s way with words. Frequently topical and clearly political in some sense, Greenhouse’s lyrics side-step the on-the-nose delivery of traditional yawn-inducing political rock in favour of a strange idiosyncratic blend of pop culture snippets, patchwork narratives and oblique literary references. Bursting with humour and irony, the album deftly meanders from Rotary Club jumble sales to Margaret Thatcher’s living room to futuristic voyages into musical VR, taking aim at the gammon classes, rural conservatism and a host of other late-capitalist absurdities with razor-sharp wit along the way.

Discovering that The Cool Greenhouse’s first 7” magically mentioned his own name, producer, sound engineer and mixer Phil Booth (Sleaford Mods, The Wave Pictures) invited the group to record the album in his JT Soar studio in Nottingham. The old potato-packing warehouse offered the ideal working environment for the band, who recorded the album over seven days as live between kipping on its couches, 4am whiskey-soaked sessions and Mario Kart ’64 on demand. “The sessions were stuffed with weird little synchronistic miracles” Tom tells. “Discussing a song then seeing its title on a shop window, finding things in pubs straight out of our songs…these zapped me onto some sort of Jungian plane where I didn’t need to sleep and knew exactly what to do.”

Having sufficiently impressed Melodic Records enough for them to sign them on the basis of their first ever show, the band have continued to delight and disorientate live audiences in equal measure, supporting the likes of The Stroppies and Do Nothing. Also championed by DIY and 6 music, their upward trajectory shows no sign of halting as they prepare for their Great Escape debut, with a host of other festival appearances yet to be announced.

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released May 29, 2020

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The Cool Greenhouse UK

music to lose scratch-cards to.

bookings: jacob@autonomy.tours

label: andy@melodic.co.uk

compliments: thecoolgreenhouse@gmail.com

give us money: patreon.com/coolgreen
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