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Crap Cardboard Pet

by The Cool Greenhouse

supported by
Clare Groves
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Clare Groves I bought this last year on iTunes but can no longer access it, so I bought it on here as it is my favourite music to listen to as I pound the streets of London.
antlermagick
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antlermagick I really love it a lot. Kinda reminds me of The Stranglers mixed with a healthy dose of schizophrenia. More please! Favorite track: Pets.
Sheamus
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Sheamus The Cool Greenhouse sounds heavily influenced by early Fall (check out their cover of "I'm into CB" on YouTube) and Half Man Half Biscuit. Love the deadpan existential humour, 80s Casiotone drum beats and hypnotic single-note guitar licks. I'm so down for more of this, I hope there's an album coming out soon. Favorite track: Pets.
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  • Streaming + Download

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
    Purchasable with gift card

      £3 GBP  or more

     

  • Limited Edition Cassette
    Cassette + Digital Album

    Run of 70 green tapes released via Hidden Bay records.

    Comes with a hand-made artisanal crap cardboard pet!

    Includes unlimited streaming of Crap Cardboard Pet via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

    Sold Out

  • Limited Edition 10'' Vinyl
    Record/Vinyl + Digital Album

    Edition of 200 copies courtesy of Lumpy Records (USA). Includes:

    1 x 10'' vinyl record with hand-stamped red ink labels
    1 x mint green card wrap-around card sleeve
    1 x paper poster insert by Russell Taysom (black)
    1 x unique 'crap cardboard pet' (small)

    All proceeds will go towards the mixing and mastering costs of the Cool Greenhouse's forthcoming debut album

    Includes unlimited streaming of Crap Cardboard Pet via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

    Sold Out

  • SUPER DELUXE HYPER LIMITED 10" VINYL
    Record/Vinyl + Digital Album

    Limited to 25 copies worldwide only.

    Each Super Deluxe Hyper Limited Version Includes:

    1 x 10'' vinyl record with hand-stamped red ink labels
    1 x mint green card wrap-around card sleeve, (signed and numbered for this edition only)
    1 x paper poster insert by Russell Taysom (black)
    1 x unique 'crap cardboard pet' (small)

    PLUS

    1 x hyper limited red risographed art print on high-quality card (Munken Pure, 240gsm) by Russell Taysom (limited to 25 copies only, signed and numbered verso)
    1 x unique 'good cardboard pet' (colourful acrylic on cardboard, signed verso, large)

    All proceeds will go towards the mixing and mastering costs of the Cool Greenhouse's forthcoming debut album.

    Includes unlimited streaming of Crap Cardboard Pet via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
    ... more

    Sold Out

1.
Well I love the women Y'know they're so good at cooking And I love the coloureds They're just so damn good-looking I even love the gays, Y'know one does my haircutting And when I see a pig's head Y'know I think of...nothing Cause I'm a cardboard man Yes I'm a cardboard man Well my thoughts are all cardboard I'm just like my old man And I'm down with the kids Cause my facts are alternative And I won strictly come dancing Oh without even trying And I've got a nasty coke habit Good thing you know nothing about it I've got medium-sized hands There's no two ways about it I'm a cardboard man I'm a cardboard cut-out Yes I'm a cardboard man Oh I'm made of wet cardboard (white cardboard) My favourite metal is gold My favourite liquid is water My favourite gas is hot air And I love Harry Potter Y'know I'm a West Ham supporter Or was it Aston Villa? Well you can see right through me I'm like a glass of water Cause I'm a cardboard man Yes I'm a cardboard man And I'm a cardboard cut-out Oh of a cardboard cut-out Of a cardboard man Take a photo of me Down your local boozer I'm just an ordinary geezer But with a Smeg fridge-freezer And I care about everyone As much as cardboard can I didn't ask to be comfortable Well pity the white man Y'know I'm a laid back guy I never ask for trouble but if you look at me funny I'm gonna drop a bomb on your hospital And I did not have sexual relations with that woman Or with that pig Now throw tomatoes At the cardboard man Throw all your tomatoes As hard as you can And if you've got a lettice Well you can throw that too Oh throw all your vegetables At this cardboard fool
2.
Pets 06:24
Well pets don't care about your new haircut And a pet doesn't give a crap about your recent hernia operation But I think it might be important to have a pet But then again y'know it's hard to move around with a pet And pets don't know about the geo-political situation Well this can be comforting, but it can also be distracting And pets require care and cost money But you can probably afford one Especially if you give up smoking Oh, pets I'm thinking all about pets I think it'd improve my life if I got a pet Yeah pets And pets ensure that you leave the house 'Cause they need walking But this can also get annoying And what if you buy your pet when it's very small And then it grows up not to like you as a person Well pets can get you rather obsessed Sometimes you can't see when your pet is doing wrong Because you love your pet so much Well pets are a kind of animal And can a plant be a pet? No Pets I'm thinking all about pets I think it might improve my life if I got a pet And what's better, to have a partner or to have a pet? I dunno... Well try not to run over your pet And don't keep your pet in a plastic bag Unless your pet is a carton of milk An ant and a twig don't make a very good pets Because they're easy to lose And watch out for hippies Y'know they keep rocks as pets And one good thing about a pet is that you can teach it tricks Well even when it's old Y'know that's a common misconception But pets can't play the guitar and aren't very useful But apparently Phil Collins keeps a worm that knows how to drum And I hear that Patti Smith's favourite pet is an earring And unfortunately a pet can't sit next to you on a plane But someone should really set up an airline in which they can Don't you think? And if you need to take your pet on a plane Well if it's a pigeon you can keep it down your trousers Or if it's a tortoise you can disguise it as a hamburger Or disguise it as a codpiece Oh, pets I'm thinking all about pets I think it'd improve my life if I got a pet Yeah pets And this bit's for the kids You know a cat goes woof And a dog goes meow And a little mouse goes Cocka-doodle-doo And a pokemon card goes nothing And an oyster goes click And a little rabbit goes sniff sniff sniff And a carton of milk goes nothing again And something goes something And nothing goes And a periodontal scalpel goes sllurrp And your mother goes stop And your dad goes carry on 2,3,4 Pets Yes I'm thinking all about pets I think it's improve my life if I got a pet Well what's better, to have a partner or to have a pet? I dunno...
3.
Crap Art 09:04
Well I like my sums to be hard And I like my sculptures to be made of lard And I like my crosswords to be done in advance And I like my rhymes to be crap And I like my paintings to be quarter-arsed And I like my music to be falling apart And I like my newspapers to be turned into masks And I like my rhymes to be crap...and repetitive Well thank God for crap art Yes thank your God for crap art Well at least its a start Yes thank your God for crap art And I like my liquids to be fluid And I like my singles to be long Well that's good value for money And I like my bands to be one And I like my angles to be obtuse Or acute, I don't mind And I like my sevens to be sevens One after six And I like my pavements to be strewn with broken bricks Well thank God for crap art Yes thank your God for crap art Well at least its a start Yes thank your God for crap art And I'm not talking about David Shrigley here Y'know he's really good...good for coffee shops I'm more talking about a pigeon that gets trapped in a conservatory With a load of house paints And then it can't escape So go to your crap church And pray to your crap God And thank your God for crap art Well at least it's a start And I said to God I said "Hey God!" He said "Yes, Tom?" I said "Well what do you think about my position here?" He said "Well I like my art to be good. I like the Sistine chapel. But I can see your angle." I said "Thanks God. Y'know you always were so understanding." And remember making art is really hard Don't do yourself down It's OK to make crap In fact it's refreshing 'Cause a monkey can use photoshop And a child can use Final Cut Pro X to make everything feel the same And the other day a big corporation approached me And they asked if they could co-opt my crap art Because they mistakenly thought they saw a kind of misguided authenticity in it That they would want to co-opt This was 3.4 seconds after I posted it on the internet I thought they had the wrong idea But I said yes And now I live in a mansion It costs too much to keep warm And I'm still paying off my advance Behold my cold mansion! Behold my crap mansion! Well thank God for crap art Yes thank your God for crap art Well at least its a start Yes thank your God for crap art The crapper the better And you better thank your God For crap art Y'know it's the best start And you better thank your God Amen.

about

"How much irony and repetition can we take? Really quite a lot, when it’s as good as this...operating very much on the principles of repetition, irony and repetition, enigmatic bedroom project The Cool Greenhouse exist in diametric opposition to me and you and our stupid short attention spans."
~ The Quietus

credits

released June 28, 2019

Music and Lyrics by the Cool Greenhouse

Recorded at home in Woodbridge, London and Manchester.

Mastered by Joe Caithness Mastering.

Background photocopy image by Robert Ridley-Shackleton.

Additional pet doodles by participants of the Pyramid Scheme EP project.

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about

The Cool Greenhouse UK

music to lose scratch-cards to.

compliments: thecoolgreenhouse@gmail.com

label: andy@melodic.co.uk

bookings: thecoolgreenhouse@gmail.com

give us money: patreon.com/tgreenhouse
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