1. |
The Sticks
05:44
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Well you can go a bit nuts out here
Spending all day looking for your cigarettes or your glasses
Or plugged into high-minded conspiracy theories
About all the piano-playing cats,
Trained by the government and uploaded by devious civil servants
to subdue your mind
And I guess that’s why they say that musical pets
are the new opiates of the masses
But just don’t forget
That nobody actually says that
And It’s true
The true oddballs are stationed in the market towns
And all you meet
are ex-military personnel
with dark browsing histories
Or children’s entertainers
with questionable intentions
And all the village shops
And all the village shops are definitely manned by robots
So is this the kind of catharsis you were after?
Strange shapes appear in the mirror when you’re not there
And you can hear people’s skin crack at regular intervals
When the sun comes out
They’re all engaged in projects of a strange nature:
Fixing watches at the weekends
Or handing out unintelligible leaflets
for no reason
They’ve got your number
They’ll be seeing you
Better stay in from here on in…
And sometimes when you close your eyes
There’s grinning Jimmy Saville’s painted on your inner eyelids
Other times it’s Yoko Ono’s on treadmills
stretching out into infinity
Or there’s Kermit the frog doing up his flies
On the beach on repeat
These things all reinforce the need
for a proper occupation
Find clipped toenails still growing near the basin
A little camera in the shape of a bit of eggshell in the bread bin
Surveillance wires disguised as bits of spaghetti
down the side of the oven
Today the birds are flying unusually low to the ground
And the insects are flying unusually close to the clouds
There’s all sorts of inversions that you need to get your head around
Clerical workers are lurking in the long grass
With remote controls, dog shit bags and their sons
And God only knows, what they’ve been feeding the ducks
And God only knows, what they’ve been feeding the ducks
And God only knows, what they’ve been feeding the ducks
Make some elderflower wine, or some sourdough
Well that’s the kind of thing you’re meant to do around here
Wrap it up in old brown paper and you can sell it for a fortune
To all the city weekenders
If only you didn’t have the weird feeling
that your arm is not your arm.
And the strange plants growing in the outcrop near the village
Have been plagiarising your dreams.
And everything’s conducted in hushed tones
In the market towns
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2. |
Cardboard Man
05:25
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Well I love the women
Y'know they're so good at cooking
And I love the coloureds
They're just so damn good-looking
I even love the gays,
Y'know one does my haircutting
And when I see a pig's head
Y'know I think of...nothing
Cause I'm a cardboard man
Yes I'm a cardboard man
Well my thoughts are all cardboard
I'm just like my old man
And I'm down with the kids
Cause my facts are alternative
And I won strictly come dancing
Oh without even trying
And I've got a nasty coke habit
Good thing you know nothing about it
I've got medium-sized hands
There's no two ways about it
I'm a cardboard man
I'm a cardboard cut-out
Yes I'm a cardboard man
Oh I'm made of wet cardboard (white cardboard)
My favourite metal is gold
My favourite liquid is water
My favourite gas is hot air
And I love Harry Potter
Y'know I'm a West Ham supporter
Or was it Aston Villa?
Well you can see right through me
I'm like a glass of water
Cause I'm a cardboard man
Yes I'm a cardboard man
And I'm a cardboard cut-out
Oh of a cardboard cut-out
Of a cardboard man
Take a photo of me
Down your local boozer
I'm just an ordinary geezer
But with a Smeg fridge-freezer
And I care about everyone
As much as cardboard can
I didn't ask to be comfortable
Well pity the white man
Y'know I'm a laid back guy
I never ask for trouble
but if you look at me funny
I'm gonna drop a bomb on your hospital
And I did not have sexual relations with that woman
Or with that pig
Now throw tomatoes
At the cardboard man
Throw all your tomatoes
As hard as you can
And if you've got a lettice
Well you can throw that too
Oh throw all your vegetables
At this cardboard fool
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3. |
Gum
03:43
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I found myself in a massive disco
Reading books about Autumn perennials
And when I turned my head I saw that she had gone
To take a dip in a nearby fishpond
I lived a life full of plenty and sin
Making money, with my dog
Singing for the anti-altruists
Making things turn heavy and more heavy
And when they caught me I lay down in a bed
For twenty days straight I did not move one bit
My head held me, my head held me down
Cars passed the window, light flew around
Next seven drinkers threw me in the water
The riot started over some man’s wallet
And when I fell, I fell from a great height
Then there was nothing, nothing but water
John? John? Hey John? John?
Now I spend my days sharpening pencils
Those days of plenty and sin are well gone
Live in a flat made of old science periodicals
Sometimes I even take the dog for a run
Water the plants every so often
Buy tables to remove the gum
Attach the gum to the ball in the living room
I find this to be the best way to have fun
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4. |
Life Advice
04:00
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Well a shameful, lop-sided amateurish woollen bat, looked at me sideways,
It was the kind you get in a rotary club jumble sale,
Which is what I was in f act at
Between jars of horrible antique jam
And the kind of vase that it’s impossible to imagine
Who designed them
And who made them
And who bought them
And why they’re not already broken
And floral throws real flowers wouldn’t be seen dead in
home-made pots with plastic ones looking depressed in
Well this bat, he was twirling on a woollen string
And he looked at me
And he said:
“Never look back”
I thought: “That’s good advice”
Advice for life
That’s good advice
Advice for life
But then someone tapped me on the shoulder
And now imagine you’re writing in a snow storm
Correcting addresses with a broken biro before you post them
Your glasses are clouded with understandable frustration
Teeth chattering like peanuts on a slalom
And some guy you don’t recognise comes along and butts in
His hair’s all knotted from being out so long in the wind
He’s in a poncho, sunglasses, a saucy grin,
Stares you in the face and says, with no small measure of pride:
“Take it all in your stride”
But then he got on his bike
Finally she’s walking along the side of a mausoleum
Gets her foot trapped in one of those grates with the big gaps in
Droves of tourists in flip flops just walk straight by
And the community service officer just stares her right in the eyes
A feral dog sprays all over her new handbag
The sun goes down, she misses her school run,
And then some old lady comes along, (and pointing her fag),
And almost in song, she says:
“Don’t look down on anyone”
Take it all in your stride
But then she walked into a graveyard
Well that’s good advice
Advice for life
Yeah good advice
Advice for life (etc.)
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5. |
Dirty Glasses
05:37
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Well Margaret Thatcher
Had very dirty glasses
You should have seen how
Dirty her glasses were
She couldn’t even see the world
And little Freddie Hayek
He had very dirty glasses
Unbelievably dirty glasses
And when I went to dinner with Margaret Thatcher and Freddie Hayek
at their house, the other week
Well I went into the kitchen and I opened up one of the cabinets
And I could not believe how dirty her glasses were
It was disgusting
Well they say that we might all have dirty glasses
Like they said Trojan horse would be forgotten
But we represent a different platform
Dispossessed pinko middle classes
Who have very dirty glasses
And anyone else who has very dirty glasses
Y’see the purpose of this band
Is to offer a glasses cleaning service
At a very reasonable price
So if you have dirty glasses
You can bring them to the front
And we’ll clean them for you
And we’ll do the very best job
That we can
At this point the audience
In this fictional performance
Goes home and fetches their glassware
And brings it back to the pub
And hands their dirty glasses to the band
And then there’s a standing ovation
Wahey!
Now finally you can relax in your clean greenhouse
Your cool green greenhouse
As you enjoy your new favourite least favourite band
The cool greenhouse
And you know these days there’s an authentic need
For an authentic counterculture
But unfortunately there’s just the cool greenhouse
With their cool glasses
Well poor old dead Fidel
Y’know he had pretty clean glasses at the beginning
But even he had
Pretty dirty glasses
Towards the end
Which is where we’re at
The end
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6. |
Smile, Love!
03:32
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You met your old history teacher
While you were sucking on a lemon
Oh you’d just eaten a ham sandwich
And you were sitting on a park bench
And your mouth was a straight line
Oh a perfect horizon
‘Cause the sandwich had been a bit off
It was a total rip off
And he said Smile, love
Well bloody smile,
Y’know I pay all my taxes
Think I still live in the 50s
So I expect the girls that I meet
Oh on the bloody street
Well to bloody Smile
So you’d better Smile
He said Smile, Love!
He said Smile, Love!
He said Smile, Love!
Well, bloody smile
And then later that week
Well you ran into a barrister
He said why the long face?
He said you look like a horse
At least give us a wink
Oh the barrister said
He had an egg-shaped head
And he clearly shopped at M&S
And then later that day
Oh you met a real horse
And the horse said
Well you look like a man
And I’m awfully sorry love
I like a girly girl
Oh I don’t mind what you dress like
But you could at least give us
A bloody smile
He said Smile, Love!
He said Smile, Love!
He said Smile, Love!
Well, bloody smile
Cause y’know it might never happen
They say it might never happen
That’s what they say
They say it might never happen
Oh it might never happen
Well what if it already has happened, you stupid prick?
And don’t you know you’re never gonna get anywhere
Oh with a face like that?
But me, well I can be as moody as I like
And they’ll put it down to a kind of
Oh a brooding genius
But to you they say smile love
Yeah to you they say smile love
Oh to you they say smile love
They say smile love
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7. |
Trojan Horse
05:24
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Well I went down
To the newsagents
And I found a load of materials
At the newsagents
And I tried to by some cigarettes
And the lady she looked at me
But all she said was…
Well Trojan horse, Trojan horse, Trojan horse, Trojan horse (x4)
And I went down (down down)
To the lumberyard
‘cause I needed some twigs
Yes I needed some twigs
To build a house with
And I said to the man
I said “how much for these twigs”
But all he said was
Well Trojan horse, Trojan horse, Trojan horse, Trojan horse (x4)
And I got on the train
But I didn’t have a ticket
And the man came up to me
The ticket man
And I thought that he must be
About to tell me off
But he just stared
For twenty minutes
And then all he said
Was…
Well Trojan horse, Trojan horse, Trojan horse, Trojan horse (etc.)
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8. |
4Chan
03:53
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Well I ate my Christmas dinner from a can,
Y’know I didn’t want to interrupt my festive COD marathon,
Started up, completely unclothed
Well there’s no point in dressing, for these times
Harrassed some snowflakes, for the lulz
Well they’ve got to learn that offence is a part of life
And dicks out for old Harambe
I’m not alone, I’m online
And I’m on 4Chan
I’m into /pol/ and /b/
And it feels…“feels good man”
To be making history
And today I’ve photoshopped fourteen photographs
Of Tyler Durden, and good old Patrick Bateman
And now my Steam account has two new followers
And I’ve spammed some feminists with troll faces
I’m cooling on pig’s blood, and I’m GeekBenching over seven thousand
Why I’m incel, I’ll never comprehend
And they say the kids can’t accomplish anything these days
But then again, they’re way behind
And I’m on 4Chan
I’m into /mu/ and /v/
And it feels…“feels good man”
And I’m gonna kill normies
But who you gonna call?
Oh when the boards are slow, or the server’s down
Well not Kristen Wiig, that’s for sure
Have another crank, by the window
I said, who you gonna call?
Oh when you can’t bear the noise of it and you finally see through it all
And then you decide sell all your cryptos
Well you’re just some just some dude who decided to stay at home
On 4Chan
Drawing pictures of cartoon frogs
And pissing all over everyone
For no reason
I’m on 4chan
I’m on 4chan
I’m on 4chan
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9. |
Prospects
02:35
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How many prospects
Do you have?
How many prospects do you have?
Have you got 18 prospects?
Or just
Two prospects?
Job prospects
Junk prospects
House prospects
TV prospects
And she said anyone caught taking the bus
Past the age of 25
Well they can count themselves
Oh a failure in life
But you’ve got your fingers
In so many pies
You can’t even p-p-p-p-p-pick up your pencil
Life prospects
Dumb prospects
Big prospects
One prospect
And sometimes it feels like
You’ve got no prospects
And it’s just 8 pounds and 21 pence
For an hour of your time
No Prospects
No Prospects
No Prospects
No Prospects
Nu-uh
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10. |
Outlines
04:28
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Well you came in from the rain
Oh I’d been thinking about nothing again
Can’t sleep that much these days
Oh I’ve been lying awake
And I know there’s no real answer
To the questions in my head
And the light sits nicely on your face
As you attempt the crossword
Well I’ve been making outlines
On the bathroom wall
Discovering faces
Then trying to name them all
Yes I’ve been making outlines
Oh in the middle of the night
And also sometimes in the day
Oh whenever it feels right
And when you next came home
I’d almost forgotten how to speak
I’d lost all my thoughts
It’d been a difficult week
You said “let’s go on holiday”
I said “Well we don’t have the money”
You said “Well let’s do it anyway”
And you were looking at me funny
Oh I’ve been making outlines
Feeling like a real outlier
I’ve been making outlines
Oh on the soap suds that lie on your tumble drier
Making outlines
In the middle of the night
And also sometimes in the day
Oh whenever it feels right
And I worry that I’ve got no brains
Almost forget that I’m an animal
I’ve been making outlines far too long
I’m a sorry excuse for a mammal
Y’know I’ve been
Making outlines
In the roots of your hair
Y’know I’m really getting pretty good at it
Even though I know that it’s not going to get me anywhere
But y’know it staves off
The mediocrity
And it staves off
The possibility of calamity
And it staves off
Oh the terrible drudgery
And it staves off
It staves off, it staves off…
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11. |
||||
So the Subletters decided to go out to the fairground that was just down the road
They wanted to complain about the goldfish...even though there weren’t any
But me I decided to stay at home
I did some laundry
Then I tried to work out how to avoid repaying my student loan
But unfortunately they clocked that line
And they said “you’re booked mate”
I said “That’s a fair cop”
But luckily they had all my details wrong
They thought I was an orthodontist from London
When actually I’m an accordionist from Melbourne
And they thought my National Insurance number was AB34217
Which it isn’t
God save the delicious hell of post-fordist bureaucracy
Anyway, the neighbour who wears his christmas jumper all year round was visible through the window Apart from this I could see a tree, a discarded chopstick and a wonky Crow
And I could hear someone playing “Like a Virgin” very quietly through their stereo
It was a hot Sunday afternoon
And the neighbour was trying to explain to the crow why Jeff Bezsos should pay more tax
But the crow didn’t understand
Because the crow was just a crow
And after this I just sat in my chair and spaced out for about three hours
Until the subletters came home with their placards
Disheartened that they couldn’t save any non-existent goldfish
And then I phone home, my parents’ home, but no one was home
And this is a pretty accurate fictional account
Of this week’s Sunday afternoon
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The Cool Greenhouse UK
music to lose scratch-cards to.
compliments:
thecoolgreenhouse@gmail.com
label: andy@melodic.co.uk
bookings: thecoolgreenhouse@gmail.com
give us money: patreon.com/tgreenhouse
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